Writing with Charity

I've been yearning to write to you  But constantly my ink was running dry I can't say I haven't run out of words  a couple times when I thought of you But I won't deny the fact that you have colonised my sub conscious mind. I love you so much That I had to buy flowers and mourn you  It hurts to comprehend the fact that I hosted a funeral for a man who is still alive. But I had to bury our memories  They were no longer worth keeping  It was time to move on coz Each one of them brought pain that pierced through my fragile heart  Everytime someone uttered your name Mom was so strong she kept buying birthday gifts in your name I was hurt the day I realized that you were long gone  And all the letters were written by mom but I'm grateful it showed me reality. I faced all the stages of grief  And finally I've reached the 5th stage  And I'm ready to say goodbye Rumor has it your body still resides in the neighboring country  But I have made pea...

 So i have been reminiscing  Taking a journey back to the beginning of this year   When all were screaming "happy new year" Although the happy was ironic  And the screaming was symbolic. Only two months down the journey  This pandemic came and the whole world was on lockdown  Covid19 they called it  It brought leaders to their knees and countries creating  international relations  It had no social stratification in favour  It took from the whites and the blacks, the rich and the poor  Not to mention the number of the bodies we buried like trash when Cyclone Idai was here Covid19 took   five times more  This was the year we lost the best actors, artists, dancers, social influencers, models and writers  This was the year in which car accidents rose to a norm  The year in which children became mothers because of lockdown  In this year some found God  And some lost him. So i have been thinking do ...

 Is human existence fleeting? am i running out the clock, or is it just a feeling? Often,i wish   i could control the sands of time say pause or shout freeze. if only they obeyed  maybe i could've saved you or take your place instead If only i had the power maybe i could have been there to say  farewell and listen to your last words Sadly,i can't go back or freeze time but my heart is bleeding  speed so i get to be with you  Now i know, Time is a human concept and  inevitable as death which took you from me. c.nitah398

I'm often inquisitive, coz constantly i try to defend or avoid my plummet. Tried to make you  exceptional   but the aria that  Formulates each time  you caress my body It triggers panic Attacks to my soul A constant remind  that i ought to keep My heart safe!   c.nitah398

A release from passion's flames  A touch, so soft and tender With whispers filled with desires A moment where few words were shared But a lot of promises to be kept  This intense passion fueling our fire. No holding back or second thoughts  Only sensual language of our bodies On this night we exchanged silly vows  Hush! such a precious little time Which left us longing to hold each other  A forever of this is what i wished Not knowing tomorrow was carrying sorrow With a heavy amount of shame Now pain and regrets i carry from a memory of just one night!                       c.nitah398

It saddens me more to write this to you  I won’t call it a letter or a goodbye message  but this is just a note to my loved ones I wrote this in tears,  for me leaving is not choice but a call. I tried hanging up, putting on voicemail  and even on hold. Switched it off a couple times but still with a flat battery I received missed calls. I’m sorry I had to go now. But please know I have carried all the memories in my backpack, don’t worry I’m journeying  with you, from time to time I will smile back at you laugh with you at our craziest moments. I’m leaving but not leaving you alone. Remember I loved art, and in all my pieces there is a part of me it won’t be sufficient at first but remember  I haven’t left your heart yet . So in it I will forever reside.               c.nitah398

 Dear Gogo Its all starting to look colourful now  No more grey colours or blurry views in my head  Now that im sitting here  And the house feels empty  The echo growing louder as the clock ticks  My soul searches for yours  Gogo i  still cant believe you are gone  I have cleaned all the rooms  Done all my chores but no one is here to praise my efforts. The house looks bigger and the furniture looks dirty  I have been dusting up endlessly  But still nothing looks the way it did when you were here. They said you will watch over me  But im here feeling lonely  Grandpa can't tuck me in bed  Neither can he sing  out favourite hymn  You know he has grown to be Johnny walker  All the rains of this season have found him in the streets  And every time he gets home wet  He says "if my wife was here she could be shouting"  No one remembers how a smile looks on his face  If you really do w...

 Religiously, the sunsets. In the kitchen, my pots wrestle. Family gathers, the tables are set. Feast’s served dishes washed. Children! Retire to their beds bedtime stories are read tucked in,  they vanish in dreamland. Couples, Each to their rooms. Doors closed, sheets twixt they copulate.   3am, the devil’s hour, in my chamber. He tips toes. I can’t scream, he holds a death threat. Like a betrothed, he eats from my plate. Disentangle the devil in me, it’s not right but I’m human. To him, my dignity is lost. Albeit the hardships, I brave the night.  Without conviction, I wait;  for the morning sun!          c.nitah398

  I’m not being a hard nut to crack, but constantly my mind is asking would you? If I give you the chance, would you stay? It’s not just about the chance, but would you stand my nudity? When I undress my soul, unwrap the glued pieces of my heart, open the gates to the dungeon of my scared thoughts  after I unpack the burdens of my life standing face to face with my darkest secrets, would you stay? Can I trust you to take down the gates to my castle of solitude let you shake hands and exchange glances with my wildest dreams and my unexpressed feelings. Would you stand still staring at my ancient wounds? Would you keep the key to my basement of cries safe? After I take you on a tour, showing you where I locked my insecure self, so I can wear the mask of confidence and courage. After facing the other side of my temper locked in a safe cell. After opening the bottle of my emotions take the journey down the memory lane narrate to you my struggles, choices and decisions I regret wou...

 I couldn’t b your fire or ice. I believed I was born lukewarm. Never had to pick sides before, I always opted for neutrality. All because I was scared to take chances So, when you came I failed to give you a yes or a no! Its not that I had no answers for you. But I was too scared to take chances, And I wanted you without a fight. Unfortunately I pushed you to the edge. In your words silence meant negligence. You had to free yourself from the idea of “US” Yet my silence wanted you to stay, More reason I always entertained you…            c.nitah398

I'm writing this with tears Dripping swiftly yet to you they're invisible I feel my cheeks constantly getting soaked Each moment the wind touches my skin,  i feel different types of sensations. I know you can never understand  the depth of my wounds not till you deep your fingers in it. Its funny the only way you can understand this Is by hurting me a thousand times more. I'm not in love neither is it a heartbreak  Fate hasn't fed from my own, Its yet to stretch its cold arms to me But my life is already frozen It all started with a little frostbite  Now i reside inside my own mind  with a frozen soul  I don't blame it on another being nor do i blame it on nature  But endlessly i am sheding tears  They feel so thick and heavy like blood my eyes have failed me They can not withold it any longer  Its sad no matter how i pen it down . To you these tears remain invisible!       c.nitah398

  In the lonely, days of autumn. In the bearable, nights of spring. Not forgetting the laughter of winter. In the desirable, rains of summer.  The admirable, fog on the meadow. The breezy mornings, season after season. All I want is to spend  each one of them with you. @nitah398